Saturday, 24 July 2010

Swishy flowers an’ ting

I did this.  Oh yes, I did this.  FEAR ME AND MY GARDENING SKILLZ!

I did this

Actually, the picture makes it look better than it actually is, but I’m all for removing double chins in head and shoulder portraits so what the hell.

The garden project is a long and protracted affair and shall be blogged boringly anon.  There’s only a few of you here anyway (as mentioned before, the probation officer, the bailiff, the tax collector and a selection of hangers on from the pub) so I can bore for England unhindered.

As of tomorrow I am off to Normandy with MrCat. I gave him a list of places I’d be happy to go on holiday and left him to it.  At one point I was packing my walking shoes and sou’wester for a trip to the Peak District and was quite surprised by the “right, we’re going to Normandy” email I received about an hour later.

Splendid stuff.  And it was with great joy that I was able to inform MrCat that my first year as a history undergraduate was spent studying “The Norman Conquest”.  This was not, as one might expect, fixated on the year 1066.  It was about the whole Norman thing from the time of Rollo right through to 1066 and beyond – the ecclesiastical, administrative and military revolution that the Normans brought about once they’d booted the Saxons into touch (cue lots of booing from the back of the lecture room – that was me, by the way).

Funny really – his face fell when I told him this.  I thought he’d be delighted by the prospect of listening to me rabbit on ad nauseum about the development of the motte and bailey castle.  I can’t imagine why he wasn’t leaping for joy.

Men.  Huh.

Monday, 19 July 2010

Words fail me

 

woollywoman

I mean, really, what can one say?  Did people actually MAKE this stuff?  Ever?

Monday, 12 July 2010

Flowers

It seems that nearly all the blogs I read will, at some point, feature flowers.  This is not a bad thing.  But I’m feeling left out and want to do it too.

So for the benefit of my loyal blog followers (all half dozen of them – 2 cats, a couple of probation officers and the bailiffs), I give you some pictures of my new garden.

The herb patch was, literally, covered in ivy and convolvulus when we moved in.  My sister came round and told me she could see a fuchsia under the carnage.  I didn’t believe her, but I set about the weeds with a hacksaw and a flamethrower and LOOK WHAT I FOUND!!!

image

And breathe, ladies…..

And look at this here little treasure…

image Ta-da!

I hope you chaps are halfway competent at identifying and naming plants, as I’ve some unidentified flora I’ll need some help with.  Oh, and any tips at garden design will be very, very, very gratefully received.

<gives everyone a hard stare>

-------------------------------

This week, I have been mostly trying to look as if I know what I’m doing in the garden.  I have failed valiantly.

Saturday, 3 July 2010

Knickers and pies

That got your attention!

It certainly got mine.

Here are some knickers.  What intrigued me about these items is that their existence came to my attention because I know of someone who actually bought – and therefore wears, yes WEARS – these things.  What madness is this?  To be fair, she’s only got the Anne Boleyn ones, but I don’t really want to dwell on the implications of someone wearing a pair of pants with Henry VIII’s bloated face on them.

 

image

In case you’re interested – as I’m sure many of you now are – you can get them here - historical knickers

On a more entertaining note, these knitted pies are the best thing ever.  Just – well, click on the link and look at the sad little faces on those poor wee bunnies….

Pork and Bunny Pie

I so, so wish I’d thought of this!

The link says knitted, but they look like crochet to me.  Good old Guardian, getting it wrong!

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Week end better than Week start

Last week was a ‘mare and I’m glad it’s done.  Having been put on “those” tablets to stop me having bonkers thoughts, things are a lot better.  Almost positive.  Almost, dare I say it, content.  And then I found a lump where no woman wants to find one, so off to the doctor I go.

There are targets nowadays.  You can only wait 2 weeks TOPS, no longer.  Thus I was whisked off for scans last Friday.  This Tuesday, after fretting all weekend, I got the results.  "”Hmmm, there’s a shadow here.  Look, I’m 90% sure you’re ok but….you need more tests”.  Oh poo.  Oh pooey fooey.  And of course a hypochondriac like me will focus on the 10%, not the 90%.  Oh yes.

But yesterday I had more tests and (oh the relief) – “YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY FINE”.  From start to finish all done in 10 days.  Of which more in another blog post.  Possibly.  I may prefer to forget, to be honest.

So I’ve been enjoying the weekend I can tell you, even though it’s mostly involved painting walls and other sundry decorating.

towWinchester in the sunshine 

And “those” tablets.  Sometimes they cause odd feelings of euphoria, extreme ones which take me unawares.  I think this will settle down, but at the moment it’s nuts (in a good way).  Walking back from work along the towpath, for instance.  Spinning around (yes, SPINNING AROUND like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music with arms outstretched) and shouting “WOOOT!” because I saw a moorhen, and then a great tit, and the sun was shining and I thought of the Smallcat and the Catman and how much I love them and how lucky I am.  Spinning right round, like a middle aged record.

 tow2 The moorhen has scarpered.  She’s obviously not a fan of Scritti Politti.

Can I bottle this feeling?  It would make me a fortune.

One word of advice – do not sing out loud whilst plugged into your MP3 player on said towpath, assuming there’s no one else around.  Because there might be, and they might be startled by your appalling rendition of “The Word Girl”.   Oh, the embarassment.

Saturday, 12 June 2010

I am an agent of social decay

Hopefully this is a gentle, cosy blog.  A blog about attempts to crochet toys which mainly go wrong and end up looking like aliens.  A blog where I sometimes mention a lovely little boy and a gorgeous man, and planes plunging at 1000mph into active, exploding volanoes in Iceland, exacerbated by the songs of Bjork.  You know – everyday stuff.

It’s not really about issues, or heavy duty topics, or politics, or the end of the world.  Even during the election one tried to keep it, you know – light.

But today I am angry.  Very, very angry, and I’m going to use this blog to rant.

Frank Field.  Yes, you.  You have suggested that pre school clubs, which enable mothers (note – never the father, always the mother, for we are the ones to blame for social decay, obviously) to get to work by 9am are somehow a signifier of maternal failing.  We don’t love our children, or care about our children, enough to make them breakfast ourselves.

How DARE you, how absobloodylutely DARE you suggest that working mothers are somehow lacking in parental skills and parental love.  How DARE you suggest that because we send our children to pre school clubs - because we have work - that we are somehow failing them, ruining their lives, contributing to this tedious, oft repeated load of old TRIPE commonly known as “broken Britain” (and I swear, if I hear that phrase one more time I will put my boot through someone’s head – and I don’t even wear boots). 

I have breakfast with my son before he goes to school.  We get up a bit earlier you see, Frank.  D’oh!  And do you think I want to work full time?  Do you actually think I want to get someone else to pick my son up at 3.30pm while I’m out there earning the money to pay for the roof over my head?  Affordable housing would help, Frank.  Affordable bloody housing. 

And you always refer to the feminine, Frank.  The “she”, the “mother”.  Never the father.  Never the man.  How does a single mother cope, Frank?  How does she pay the bills if she doesn’t work?  Tell you what, love – how about I become a stay at home mum and get YOU to pay my welfare bills, put me in a council house – or, you know, not, because there’s a shortage of council housing, a shortage of childcare provision too, so I’d find it difficult to get a job once I’d given up work.  Hey – I’d plunge my child into poverty, and then you’d be calling for my head.  But at least I’d be at home, living hand to mouth, stressed, depressed, unable to afford the mortgage, but doing the traditional thing, the way you people want it.  The way it is in la la land, inhabited by none but rich people, people who have something the likes of me don’t have. 

CHOICES.

So I can’t give up work, can I?  Because then I’d be a feckless, single mother, spending the taxpayers blessed money on gin and fags, wouldn’t I?  Way to go with the moralising, you out of touch loon.

Catman tells me to calm down and wait for the budget on June 22nd.  But it doesn’t matter anymore.  Even if they don’t cut my child benefit, or cut my child tax credits, the words are out there now.  Frank can’t take them back.  They’ve been printed on the BBC site (although at the time of writing, the stuff about parental failings has been removed – wonder why that is?).  You want signifiers?  I’ll give you signifiers.

The man that David Cameron has appointed to look into “tackling poverty” has signified to me, very clearly, that woman are to blame for all the ills in society.  No word of single fathers (and yes, they do exist, and work as hard as any other single parent, but are somehow exempt from being agents of chaos it would seem), no word of men who walk away from their responsibilities and leave women, quite literally in my case, holding the baby with no job, no money, no support and but two alternatives – throw yourself on the welfare state, or go to work and magically find the vast sums of money for decent childcare (which is scarce, believe you me).  And either one you choose, you will be criticised and condemned.  Simply for being a woman.

Welcome to our Coalition overlords

I would swear copiously at this point, but this is a cosy blog.

Sunday, 30 May 2010

Old and New

My mother is 87, my son is 7.  Since we don’t live conveniently close, we rely on the phone to keep in touch.

I can hand the phone to the Smallcat and leave them to it while I get on with household chores in peace.  If anyone can explain to me just what this conversation was about, then answers on a postcard please.

(Obviously, I only heard Smallcat’s side of the conversation).

"I am in charge of the whole world, because I decided what lives there and what shape it is.  There are also baby mushrooms".

"Only trees grow.  Which are completely immobile".

joe

"Derek, the teenage mushroom, is pretty much unconscious".

"I painted my papier mache in a colour called "Party World".  It was as GOLDEN as the SUN!"

"There's an evil swamp of death, but the oil went into it and made it pretty much oil toxic"

<pause>

"No, that was only the first bit, Nan.  Obviously."

Hmmmm……