I have not blogged for ages due to housemovenewjobnotfeelingwell syndrome. And still it continues, but I think it best to write this down, if only for myself, as one day I’ll need to look back on this and recall the horror. In detail.
I can’t even remember, now, the offers to buy that fell through and the offers from myself that never happened, or were not accepted, as these things happened before Christmas, and that was 100 years ago. So I cannot really describe the series of events which led me to this point. However, here is this point.
I have an offer on my house. I have put in an offer on a house.
Simples.
Or not.
10th January – checked my credit file. All debts were wiped before Christmas, so why are these debts still showing up? Phone the building society arranging my mortgage. They tell me “those debts must GO. You cannot give us letters from the card companies telling us they are paid. They must be removed from your file or we will not give you a mortgage. No, no, no”.
12th January – I phone Mint and MBNA. “Please remove that nonexistent debt”, I say.
“No. We only upload our data on 29th of each month, so you’ll have to wait another three weeks”.
“Noooo”, I wail, “the people selling me the house will get anxious if I sit here doing nothing for that long AND THEY MIGHT SELL TO SOMEONE ELSE AND THEN I WILL CRY”.
“Oh, ok then, since you put it like that…”.
12th January (later that day) – I phone Barclaycard and make the same request. “Oh, ok, but you have to sign a form first. We’ll put it in the post. It will take 10 days”.
“TEN DAYS! I can’t wait that long. The solicitor, the Estate Agent, and the sellers will think I’m taking the pee”.
“Sorry, them’s the rules”.
15th January – letter arrives. Yay! I sign it and post it. Yay.
19th January – I phone Barclaycard. “Did you get my letter?”.
“Yes”.
“Can you clear my file, then”.
“Yes”.
21st January - “er….why is my file still showing a debt? People are getting angry”.
“We can’t do it. We only do it at the end of the month”.
I am on the phone to the complaints department immediately.
“Sorry, we can’t do it. They shouldn’t have told you that”.
“But they did, twice. And now I could lose this sale, you numpties. Even worse, I have TOLD PEOPLE THAT IT IS IN HAND AND NOW THEY THINK I AM A LIAR AND A KNAVE!”.
24th January - “what are you doing about this. I am getting anxious phone calls from the Estate Agent and solicitor. You told me you could do this and you haven’t. Why did you lie?”.
25th January. Parcel arrives. It is the biggest bunch of flowers ever. It is from Barclaycard. There is a note attached. “Sorry for the inconvenience”.
I check my credit file. The nonexistent debt is still there. I shake my fist angrily at the flowers, but it is not their fault so I apologise to them almost immediately. They are too big for the only vase I have left and water spills everywhere. I have to remove MrCat’s lovely posy from the nice vase to fit them in. MrCat’s nice flowers are now in a horrible vase and the Barclay flowers are in the nice vase. This makes me more angry.
26th January – Letter arrives. It is from Barclaycard. “Sorry about the inconvenience. Here is £30 towards the cost of the zillion phonecalls”.
I check my credit file. The non existent debt is still there. I am mildly mollified by the £30, but still shake my fist aimlessly at the sky.
I phone the mortgage company. “Barclaycard are evil. Can you do something about it?”.
“Ok, get them to fax us a letter, telling us that you have paid the debt and we’ll see what we can do”.
3.00pm. I phone Barclaycard. “Please write a letter. It is the least you can do”.
“Ok. Give us the fax number”.
I give them the fax number of the building society.
“No. We can’t fax it to them. We have to fax it to you. You have to physically be there”.
“WHAT?”
“sorry”.
I pace around angrily.
3.30pm – I phone again. I get a different person on the line. I have decided to lie about the fax number and pretend it’s mine. I fear that I will be struck by lightening if I tell this lie, but I am now desperate to get this thing moving, and immolation seems the easiest option.
“Hello, can you fax that letter”.
“Yes. Can we have the fax number”.
I gulp. “Yes, it’s 98798798798798798798798”
“Ok, it’s on it’s way”.
I am shaking. They didn’t ask me where the fax was actually situated, so it’s not really a lie, is it?
4.00pm. I phone the building society.
“did you get the fax”.
“yes. Everything is ok. We can proceed”.
“hurrah!.
27th January. I check my credit file.
Barclaycard have cleared the non existent debt which they said they couldn’t do until 31st. But now they’ve done it after all.
For at least two hours I am unable to speak, or even move, so great is my rage and so high my blood pressure.
(You’ll be pleased to hear that this is not the end of it. I am currently waiting for a spectral letter from the Tax Office. More on this later…)
