Tuesday, 28 April 2009

STOP! Hammer Time!

No, nothing to do with 1980's baggy trousers and bad dancing. I only wish it was. The truth is far more terrifying. A craft nightmare, in fact.

A few weeks ago, MrCat's mother lent me a 1970's craft magazine. Just looking at the pictures was a joy. There was all manner of fabulous, beautiful stuff, and also some lunacy, like a crochet bra and pants set. Itch-tastic!

Anyway, there were a few crochet patterns in there so I decided to try one out. I usually opt to downsize things slightly – a smaller hook or thinner wool usually does the trick - and it's just as well I did in this case otherwise the ensuing catastrophe would have been EVEN WORSE THAN IT WAS!

It was an alligator. Here he is, in the magazine, looking quite cute.



Halfway through making his body I began to feel slightly uneasy. By the time I'd sewn the head on and attached the eyes, I realised that I was actually in the process of creating a monster capable of destroying civilization. Small Cat was less dramatic, and far more succinct.

"It is a hammer. With eyes"

(sigh) "It's an alligator. Without limbs"

"Don't put legs on. I want to use him as a hammer".

"No. I can't stop now. It's already used up two balls of wool. I intend to see this project through".


It is at this point that I have to 'fess up. I swore to the Coffee Lady that I would complete the monster COME WHAT MAY and then post up a picture. Well, I lied. I got as far as the back legs and couldn't take anymore. I sewed them on, rather gracelessly it has to be said as I just wanted the nightmare to end. No positioning, no alignment, no nothing. Stab, stab, stab with the needle. I wasn’t even looking at what I was doing, as is obvious from the evidence below.

Basically, I've let myself down, I've lied to another blogger and I've wasted two balls of wool.

bb2 if you grasp him around the bum, you can use his head to secure nails

At least the Small Cat was happy.

"It is a hammer. With legs. It's really horrible - I like it".

"It's disasterous".

"It's like the rubbish toys you used to make when you didn't know what you were doing. Can I have it?"

"Why? In God's name, WHY?"

"Because it's an alligator with hammer superpowers".

"Obviously. Here, take it. Take it from my sight, quickly".


bb3 “Fear my DIY superpower! Rarrr!!!”

Sometimes, you make a cake and it's a soggy, sunken mess. A couple of weeks later, you make the same cake to the same recipe and somehow it’s wonderful. Following this catastrophe, I finished off a squid I'd promised to make for a friend. It turned out exactly as I'd hoped. I'm not sure what lesson I learned from all this, save that alligators might not be my forte.


JuliaB said...

I think he looks just fine! I wish you'd finish the tail. A tail with zigzags on would do the trick. I definitely think he looks very crocodile like .. (crocodiles have more rounded noses than aligators) .. You may have invented a whole new species if he really does look like a hammer... a hammer head crocodile? .. seriously, if I could do that I would be proud of myself! But all i can do with a crochet hook is amoebas and worms.

The Coffee Lady said...

I waited all this time for THIS? A two-legged alligator?

but really SmallCat is cruel - he doesn't look any worse than the alligator in the picture

apart from of course having no arms

I wish we could see a little more of the sheep and his friends in the magazine picture above, since they seem to be doing some kind of formation dance

eurolush said...

Don't despair! I love your armless DIY alligator. Hammergator? He's so much better than the original.

PS-Your first mistake was swearing ANYTHING to CL. She will expect your SOUL as payment, in return for your failure.

Lynn said...

I am captivated by his sweet facial expression. Never mind about the missing limbs and hammeresque appearance. (Thanks for the chortle...)

alice c said...

Don't take any notice of any of the women commenting above. They are all bad influences and you will be sucked into a Bloggy Black Hole where you are surrounded by uber-witty comments.

I don't think you should diss your alligaator just because it is aesthetically challenged. I am all for an inclusive world.

Lynn said...

I am glad I came back to re-visit this post, because now I can say don't take any notice of Alice C, for she is the worst bad influence of ALL. She has made us all what we are today...

P.S. May I see a picture of the triumphant squid???

Limecat said...

I used to know MrsM before she became a blogger.

At rugby matches she can be incredibly rowdy and is prone to singing sea shanties at the top of her voice.

I know. Unbelievable.

(sadly, the squid was posted off before she had a chance to pose, but she was a light blue version of the pink one on the entry "fame at last" from a month or so back).

Eliea said...

he looks perfect to me. I think if you stuffed his head a bit more where it gets wider and finished the other legs/tail he'd look great. You can't judge an amigurumi before it's done as they ALL look freakish till then.
Next time work on it somewhere where no one can comment till you're done.
Also the angle in the magazine photo is a bit different so I think you did yours perfectly!

alice c said...

Gah! My secret is out - I will not be able to hold my head up in the refined circles of Blogland.

Duyvken said...

Smart cat is awesome.

readersguide said...

1. This has fundamentally altered my imagine of MrsM.

2. I think he's kind of sweet -- nice eyes.

JulieLittle said...

I know I've come to this rather late, but I have to say that the squid is marvellous! She has wonderfully curly legs (are they legs? Or are they the tentacles - I guess they are tentacles since why would a creature that spends it's life in the depths of the ocean need legs??? - I am an idiot!). Anyway, my colleague at work has completely fallen in love with her and is also eyeing up the mouse. (By the way - how DO you spell eyeing?? The computer doesn't like eyeing and wants me to type eying but that just looks stupid - anyway suffice it to say she is very jealous!)