Yet another pause...

In yet another exciting non blog update, I'm off on hols for a bit. Much needed, as SmallCat has had pneumonia which was horrible and scared everyone, mainly me. He was as stoic as he always is. I could learn a lot from him.

In the meantime, some more piped music while you wait. This time, I'll leave you with a playlist.

Rasputin - Boney M
Shaddup Ya Face - Joe Dolce
Funky Gibbon - The Goodies

I trust that will keep you entertained for a few days.

I should have known he was a wrong ‘un

Yesterday, Mrs Speechless expressed a rather foolish interest in one of my monkeys (oh will you lot stop tittering).  So I went to my stash box, realised it was a complete mess, and upended and reorganised it.  Not as thorough as Coffee Lady but I am a slattern after all. So now, I can see which lovely wool I have available. 

As I packed the wool into some kind of order, I realised that the box had become a microcosm for my past and present life.

At the bottom - wool which was a mistake right from the word go but you bought it because it said REDUCED and was all shiny and tinselly and you are a fool because you know that after about 5 minutes you will hurl it across the room with a heart full of disappointment saying "I wish I had never been fooled by that shiny glittery stuff.  It looks lovely but it is impractical and I can do nothing with it".

(I used to go out with a ball of wool just like that).

 “‘ello darlin'! You come ‘ere often?”

Next layer - wool which looks like it might be interesting, but you daren't use because it's posh and made of alpaca and you're scared of destroying it.

(There was a ball of wool like that at college.  He never gave me a second glance and I could only gaze at his well bred 100% pure fibres from a distance).

Next layer - Cheap and cheerful acrylic in lots and lots of bright colours which is good for testing patterns on and giving the resulting heap of poo to SmallCat  because he thinks it's funny.

(Ok, he was very nice and all that, but he was only two ply so it was never going to last).

Next layer - chunky wool which you don't use very often because it's so damned chunky.

(This is my waistline).

Top layer - cotton yarn. Oooooh, lovely cotton.  It’s firm and holds it’s shape well although it requires a bit more effort than your average cheapo brand.

(Well obviously, this has to be MrCat.  He is sharing the top layer with some lovely babysoft, which has to be SmallCat because it is so lovely and cuddly and cheerful).

If MrsSpeechless looks very carefully, she will see five balls of cotton in mauve, rose pink, brown, pale yellow and russet.  With those, I shall make her some hideous creatures.

Craft your head off

Considering this is supposed to be a vaguely crafty blog, there’s scant little evidence of any crafting going on.  So while everyone in blogland appears to have disappeared for the summer (or are in the pub, or possibly prison), I thought I’d delight you all with some truly hideous examples of my “work”.

First up, Small Cat insisted that I made a “thank you” present for his poor, beleaguered teacher.  As if her life isn’t hard enough without receiving THIS abomination, masquerading as some sort of “gift”.  She’ll probably think I’m really angry with her when she gets this tomorrow.

By the way, it’s suppose to be a monkey – I need to tell you this as it won’t be obvious.  It was based on one of these lovely creatures (and yes, I know mine doesn’t have a mouth), but since the designer didn’t make the pattern available, I had to guess.  I should have known. 

I’m going to pretend this isn’t happening

From the front she looks a bit like a deranged tellytubby

Monkey hear, monkey see, monkey speechless 

To compound this error, I made SmallCat a Super Mario Mushroom out of scrap yarn.  I have no idea what a Super Mario Mushroom is when it’s at home, but apparantly, it looks like this.

Keep that garlic away from me 

If I found this in my risotto, I’d be asking for my money back.

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This week, I have been mostly grumbling

Room with a View

Remember that hideous room, which only convicts and deranged madmen would consider habitable?  Yes, that one.  Well, after years of ignoring it, keeping the door closed on it, never going in there and allowing only the cats to wander in – and even they had reservations and they’re hardly fussy beasts at the best of times – we finally made it look normal.  It was done on the cheap, by two DIY idiots (yours truly and Mr Cat), and a professional who came in to do the flooring (the dad of one of SmallCat’s friends.  Yes, he has trade contacts already.  At his age).

This is like Gok Wan at the end of “How to Look Good Naked”, but here goes….

fear my awesome collection of maps and walking guides

Ok, there are still bits of wood lying around, the guitar only has five strings at the moment and we can’t eat in there yet as WE DO NOT HAVE A DINING TABLE.  So it’s just the Welsh dresser and a guitar.  I suppose you could eat off a guitar at a push.  Couldn’t you?

Please note – the ornamental cat collection is not my doing.  Most of them aren’t even mine.  I suspect they belong to the convict.

To celebrate this triumph, here is a picture of some craft I did a while back.  It is a rabbit.  I am the only person in the world who doesn’t think it’s rubbish.  My own child laughs at it.  Openly.  But believe me, this is like a Michelangelo compared to the thing I made on Sunday.  Even thinking about it brings me out in hives.  So, you know, be grateful.  It could be worse.

 If I hear so much as a titter, I’ll bring out the carrots.

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This week I have been mainly losing my glasses.

Not waving, but drowning – which is hardly surprising since I can’t swim

I see from my blogroll that quite a few other people are quiet at the moment, so I don’t feel too bad.  However, this isn’t even a proper blog post, just a pathetic, nay FEEBLE, excuse for absconding.  Here are some bullet points (see, I’m insulting you further by not even writing proper paragraphs now).

an almost-but-not-quite gratuitous picture of lovely Captain Jack and lovely Gwen. See 6.

1.  You know that cliche “emotional rollercoaster”?  Well, I’m on one at the moment, so, you know – I forgot the blogcakes, ok?.

2.  AND I have to decide whether to sell my house, or not.  It’s been coming for a while because (as is the way of these things), the break up with SmallCat’s dad left me up a very large creek with a faulty paddle because I can’t afford a proper one anymore.  It’s been quite the Sword of Damocles. But “things cannot go on like this”.  As they say.  Well, as I say.  But if you looked out my window right now, right this very minute, on a perfect English summer evening in a perfect English village…well….the chances of me making a SENSIBLE decision are looking pretty slim at the moment.

3.  I have planted a lot of things in the front garden but I don’t know what they are.  I really need a magic botanist like MrsMagpie to come over and explain to me what, exactly, those pink things are.  Ok, ok, stop shouting at the back.  I’ll take some pictures, so quit your moaning.

4.  Slattern no more!  The dining room has finally been “done”.  What?  You want pictures of that as well?  Ok, stop heckling me.  I’ll do it.  

5.  I’ve decided to continue novel number 2.  Novel number 1 requires an ENTIRE blogpost to itself and when you read it you will all laugh at me and rightly so.  But 2 needs to be picked up once more.  After a 6 year break.  I would like to point out to MrsM (she gets everywhere, doesn’t she?) that it is nothing like the pile of nonsense I once forced her to read.  Nothing like.  Oh no. 

6.  Torchwood is back next week – hurrah!  Well, I had to justify the picture of Lovely John Barrowman, didn’t I?

7.  Celebrity Masterchef – if any of my UK blog friends are watching this programme can you answer me a question?  Does anyone actually cook food like that for their family, because if they do, I’m just going to feel really bad about myself.  Actually, if you do cook like that, can you please just lie to me?  Thanks.

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This week I have mainly been very confused about life and wondering whether that plant is a harmless Hollyhock or, in fact, a Giant Hogweed.